Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
