he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
