i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
