Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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