Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
is wine microwaveable?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
