I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
