I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
