Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
