Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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