There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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