I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
