conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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