Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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