i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize