how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize