I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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