Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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