PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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