I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
