I feel like I'm in dance class right now
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
