This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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