Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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