The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
