Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
