I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
