He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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