You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
