she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
