Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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