dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
