My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
