i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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