my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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