dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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