just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
