Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
