Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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