if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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