do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
