Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
