I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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