so that wasnt chicken after all
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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