Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
