i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
