I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
