totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So much rum. So many feels.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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