Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
