Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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