Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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