It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
