I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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