He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
