This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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