I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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