Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
