took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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