I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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