This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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