I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
