he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My feet surprised me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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