Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
