dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize